From the Summer and Fall 1996 Issues

A Survivor Tells Her Story

      I live in the county of Jackson in rural Minnesota. I am a graduate of the University of Minnesota, and I currently hold a managerial position at my place of work. I also was a victim of domestic violence. Now I consider myself a survivor. My ex-husband abused me verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have now been divorced for a year and a half. I believe that if I had not broken away when I did, that I would probably be dead by this time. What I share here is what I know from my personal experience. This is my story.

      In my junior year of college, I started dating the man I would marry; the man who would be my abuser. We dated for three years. The year before we were married, we spent almost every evening together. When we were dating, he was very good to me. He was attentive and caring. He was my knight in shining armor. He was, literally, too good to be true. At one point, after we were married and the abuse had begun, I asked him, "Why didn't you let me know what you really are?" His reply, "Fooled Ya!"

      My married years were not a dream come true. In fact, I found myself living a nightmare. The man I loved, the man who vowed to love and honor me, spit, literally, on my face, hit me with a one-ton truck, threatened to murder me, threatened to mutilate me, yelled obscenities in my face, and mentally tortured me...yet many powerful dynamics bound me to the relationship.

• He denied what was happening. So did I. I did not want to believe it.
• It was humiliating to face the failure of my marriage.
• He minimized the abuse, convincing me that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that it wasn't that bad.
• He whittled away at my self-esteem, making me feel that I deserved what I got.
• He told me that I pushed him to do it. He blamed me, targeting things that were true, partially true, or believable. This made it very difficult not to grab onto those hooks. We made many "deals"--if I did this or that, then he wouldn't hurt me. He never stopped.
• He played games with my mind by manipulating, twisting the truth, contradicting himself and lying. This resulted in my feeling unstable and crazy. Then it was easier for him to control me.
• Fear of the unknown was greater than the fear of what I knew. If I left, my chances of getting killed increased. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim.
• It was virtually impossible for me to make a stand because he was always a step ahead of me. He said to me, "You have to accept me the way I am or I'll divorce you." This took away my power to say, "Stop, or I'm leaving".
• I did not want to accept the abuse or leave, I simply wanted the abuse to stop.
• Religious reasons kept me there. I had vowed my life to this man.
• He was not always abusive. He could be intensely cruel, and he could be intensely wonderful.
• I had fallen in love with that wonderful man, not the man who abused me.
• Time and time again, he apologized and promised that it would never happen again.
• Time and time again, I would hope that maybe this time would be different.

      Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde would come and go. I rode the abusive cycle around and around and around with my abuser. Time periods between abusive explosions usually ranged from two weeks to two days. The craziest episode was when he oscillated back and forth several times within a few hours. The morning following that episode, I made my first call for help. I had broken the silence and the secrecy. My abuser was angrier than ever. Because the physical abuse is more evident and harder to hide, he put a cap on that tactic. The verbal, emotional, and mental abuse intensified. From my experience, I will never minimize these forms of abuse. The wounds are deep, and the bruises are hard to heal. It's subtle and twisted, making it very difficult to explain or prove.

      I believe that a victim's level of fear is the most accurate barometer of the intensity of the abuse. I remember one night vividly, when my abuser was strangely restless. I did not dare sleep with my back to him. I feared that at any moment, he could snap and kill me. The next morning after he stormed out of the house. I quickly packed my bags and left. At that time, I did not know that I would never go back. I got help. He also got help. He received therapy, and later admitted to conning his therapist. He also volunteered for a batterer's program. It was a six-month commitment, weekly sessions, a two hundred mile round trip. He did not miss a session, and completed all of his homework.

      The only change that I saw in him was that his abusive tactics got trickier. It was as if he had attended a graduate school and earned his masters degree in abuse. I believe that this was his way to regain control. He sent a very strong message to me and to the community. His message was "He is working so hard and the witch still won't take him back". Once again, I was to blame. The cycle of abuse, the pain and the promises continued.

      There was one time period of two months when there was no abuse. My trust and hope grew one more time. Then it happened again. This time I was especially devastated because I knew that it was over. I could no longer endure the ups and downs. I let go of all hope for our marriage. I chose to divorce.

      During the divorce and even after the divorce was final, he continued with his tactics. He would call me, tell me how much he loved and missed me, and in his next breath be verbally abusive. I did not want to engage with him any more. I was learning to step out of the cycle. I learned that I needed to do whatever was necessary to protect myself from this man. As difficult as it was for me, I started to hang up when he'd call. It got easier each time I did it. Eventually, he left me alone and moved out of the area. Since then, I have learned that he had been unfaithful during our marriage, that he has become involved in pornography, and that he is leaving a trail of victims. As for me, once I had no contact with him my healing came much quicker. However, because he convinced me that what happened was my fault, I had to be told hundreds of times that it was not.

      Now, I know that it was not my fault. I came to a simple understanding, a bottom line: Abuse is unacceptable. It does not matter who started the fight, what the fight is about, or who has what imperfections. There is no justification. Abuse is unacceptable. This simple understanding of mine stopped my ex-husband in his tracks. He had no where to go with me. No more did his hooks and tricks work with me.

No More.

      People often ask about women who are battered, "Why doesn't she just leave?" This is a natural question, but perhaps it would be wiser and more insightful to ask. "Why does he abuse?" An abusive relationship is a lethal web of confusion, fear, promises, and hope. The complicated and dangerous process of getting out entails many challenges that people who have never been battered may not consider. Breaking away from my abusive husband was more difficult than it was for me to stay. However, I did meet the challenges and work through them.

      Divorce is a serious decision. When I wavered with this decision, I reminded myself of reality. For me, reality included broken promises and unbearable pain inflicted by my partner. To help me with my decision, I weighed the risks. If I'd divorce, it's possible that I'd remain single. It's also possible that I would have another abusive relationship. (I do believe that this possibility decreases as awareness increases, but there are no guarantees.) If I stayed with this man, there was a very high probability that I would be abused again. This was close to a guarantee. To help soften the finality of divorce, I placed the option of remarriage to him in the back of my mind. That option has since been dismissed! The abuse was much more painful than the divorce.

      Loneliness was a painful challenge. At times during the divorce, it was very difficult not to grab onto promises from my husband that everything would be better if came back. I chose to be alone and safe rather than married and abused. In retrospect, my loneliest times were when I was married to an abusive man. I've lost that man as my husband, but I've gained safety, peace, self-esteem, self-respect, health, the return of my personality, and I have my life.

      Some people minimize the abuse that occurs and this can bring about doubts in those of us who experience the abuse. It's extremely important to remember that no one knows the situation as well as the victim.

      It's been helpful for me to gain an understanding that my abusive partner was not out of coutrol, but chose to abuse. In fact, it was during his acts of abuse that he had the most power and control.

      The crazy-making is another difficult issue to overcome. The victim is not crazy. The situation is crazy. Abuse is not logical. I believe that it's a good thing when we are not able to figure it out and think in the twisted way that our perpetrators do.

      Learning to set boundaries again can be a difficult task, especially after all boundaries have been consistently violated. It's helpful to set realistic boundaries that you can keep. It's okay to start small. Setting boundaries gets easier with practice.

      Religious conflicts often keep women from leaving an abusive relationship. I had vowed my life to this man. I believe that God does not want us to be harmed. Abuse is not intended to be a part of the institution of marriage. "Is a woman who divorces her abusive husband breaking the vows?" The vows were broken long before the divorce by her abusive husband. God speaks of infidelity, physical abuse, and hardness of heart as allowable situations for divorce. If viewed as a sin even under these circumstances, divorce is forgivable, like all other sins.

      The issue of love was a difficult one for me. Was my partner's love for me ever sincere? Or was it all a con? It was probably a mixture. I came to peace with the belief that my partner would love me for the moment, in the only way he knew (which was not a healthy love.) Some people told me that he never loved me. Saying this to a woman who is already overloaded with pain is not helpful, but only hurtful.

      I did what I could to surround myself with positive support people. For me, this included support groups, advocates, a therapist, minister, family, and friends. Support group for victims of domestic abuse was most beneficial for me. It is very comforting and helpful to share with women who have similar experience. Therapy can also he helpful. As difficult as it is to discern when we're vulnerable, it's important to remember that each of us has a right to choose a therapist that we're comfortable with. I believe that it's important that our personalities and philosophies are compatible, and that the therapist has a keen understanding of the dynamics of domestic abuse. I would not recommend that a victim walk into a therapist's office with her abusive partner. The perpetrator has a sly way of making the victim look crazy. Also, in a situation like this, the victim will probably feel inhibited to be open and honest due to fear and probable repercussions inflicted by the perpetrator after the session. A good therapist will guide you to clarity, so that you can use good judgment in making your decisions.

      Time is an important healer. Besides surrounding myself with positive people, I got involved with positive activities. Try to balance this with quiet time, to grieve and to cry. I did a lot of sorting and purging through journaling and talking with people I trust. It's important to take time to process our experience and to heal. It's also important for others to respect us by allowing each of us to process our experience, make the decisions, and set the pace. Making the victim feel guilty or stupid for her decisions, thoughts, and feelings most likely will add to her shame, prolong the process of getting out, and isolate her from those who inflict this judgment. Finally, have faith. My faith in God was my anchor in this fierce storm.

      I've learned that as hard as it is to stay in an abusive relationship, it's even harder to get out. I use an analogy of swimming upstream against a strong river current. I've also learned that if you don't get out, you may die in the plunging waterfall downstream. Our dreams may be broken, but at least we will be alive to make new ones.